In an age of fast-paced interactions and constant digital distractions, the art of truly listening to someone has become rarer than ever. Last week I touched on the fact that it is listening, not talking, that has the most leverage in connecting with others in a meaningful way, particularly when deeper conversations, rather than simple everyday transactions, are being discussed. As outlined by Mitch Wallis in his book “Real Conversations”, here are three important techniques to harness better listening skills that can transform the way we interact.
1. Be more curious
Curiosity is the foundation of effective listening because it sets the stage for open-minded and non-judgmental engagement. When we’re curious, we approach conversations not with an agenda, but with a desire to learn. This contrasts with the typical pattern of waiting for our turn to speak or thinking about our response. Instead, curiosity shifts the focus entirely onto the speaker, inviting them to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.
Practical ways to cultivate curiosity:
- Ask open-ended questions: Replace questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” with ones that encourage deeper responses. For instance, instead of asking, “Did you have a good day?” try, “What was the best part of your day?” This small shift allows for richer sharing and can reveal much more than surface-level interactions.
- Practice active listening cues: Small responses like nodding, saying “I see,” or “Tell me more” show that you’re genuinely engaged and interested in learning more. These cues encourage the speaker to open up further.
- Suspend assumptions: Curiosity requires that we set aside any preconceived ideas about what someone might say. Approach each conversation as if you’re hearing about their experience for the first time, even if you think you know their perspective.
When we approach conversations with curiosity, we invite a world of insights and emotions into the interaction, building trust and allowing the speaker to feel truly understood.
2. Be present in the here and now
Being fully present is the next essential ingredient in effective listening. Presence is more than just being physically there—it’s about quieting our inner thoughts, setting aside distractions, and giving the other person our undivided attention. In Real Conversations, Wallis emphasizes the importance of being fully engaged, explaining that genuine presence conveys respect and appreciation. A person who feels you’re truly “there” will be more likely to share openly and honestly.
Practical ways to practice presence:
- Remove physical distractions: Set aside your phone, laptop, or any other device that might divert your attention. Even brief glances at a screen can signal disinterest, interrupting the flow of connection.
- Maintain eye contact: While eye contact can vary across cultures and personality types, holding a steady gaze often signals engagement. If direct eye contact feels intense, try softening your gaze to the space around their eyes.
- Mindfully refocus when distracted: It’s natural for our minds to wander. When you notice yourself drifting, gently bring your attention back to the speaker. This might mean silently repeating their words in your mind or mentally summarising what they’ve said so far.
Presence requires practice, especially in our distraction-filled world, but it is essential for meaningful connection. When we’re truly present, we notice subtleties like tone of voice and body language, which can reveal much more than words alone.
3. Validate
Deep listening, or compassionate listening is most effective when the person talking feels understood and validated. Validation means acknowledging their feelings without judgment or trying to “fix” the situation. It’s about saying, “I see you, and I respect how you feel.” Validating doesn’t mean we necessarily agree with everything someone says; it simply means we understand and accept their right to feel that way.
Practical ways to show validation:
- Reflect feelings and statements: Echo back what you hear in a supportive way. For example, if someone says, “I’m overwhelmed with work,” you might respond, “That sounds really tough; it must be exhausting managing everything.” This simple reflection lets them know you’re paying attention to their emotional state.
- Acknowledge without judgment: Often, people need space to express feelings without hearing a counterargument or solution. Instead of responding with “But have you tried…?” or “You shouldn’t feel that way,” simply affirm their experience. Statements like, “I can see why that would be frustrating” or “That sounds challenging” can make a huge difference.
- Express empathy rather than sympathy: Rather than saying, “I know how you feel,” which can sometimes come across as minimizing, try, “I can imagine how difficult that must be.” This subtle shift in language shows you’re not presuming to understand their experience but are willing to empathize.
By validating someone’s feelings, we create a safe space for vulnerability, encouraging deeper connections. Validation communicates acceptance, builds trust, and fosters a sense of belonging.
Integrating curiosity, presence, and validation into daily life
The real beauty of these principles lies in their versatility. In relationships, curiosity can keep the spark alive by fostering open dialogue, while presence and validation show your partner they are valued. When conflicts arise, validation can de-escalate tension, creating room for resolution. In the workplace, harnessing these principles can improve teamwork, especially during challenging conversations. Curiosity allows us to understand an individual’s perspective, presence shows we’re invested, and validation promotes a respectful environment.
Effective listening techniques empower us to engage deeply, to understand and empathise, and to create space for others to be authentically themselves. By embracing these principles, we can transform everyday conversations into powerful connections. True listening reflects kindness, respect, and the willingness to truly “see” people.
Adopting these practices can lead to more fulfilling relationships and a richer, more compassionate way of engaging with the world around us. Try incorporating curiosity, presence, and validation into your daily life, and watch how your conversations grow.
If your leadership team could do with my help, please get in touch today, I’d love to hear from you.