Never before has there been a greater need for us to develop and evolve our ability to connect with others. Younger generations are experiencing more loneliness than ever before, ironically in a time where we are more connected.
According to recent research by the Institute of Australian Health and Welfare, just over 1 in 6 Australians were experiencing loneliness 1 in 5 (17%) males and 1 in 6 (15%) females aged 15–24 were experiencing loneliness. And it’s on the rise, an increasing number of people aged 15–24, have reported experiencing loneliness since 2012. Loneliness can lead to a range of physical and mental health issues. In fact, lonely people have an increased risk of death and the impacts of loneliness are the same as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or 6 alcoholic drinks a day.
Relationships and real connection are fundamental to our health, and with the increased feelings of disconnection happening, they are vital to the health and wellbeing of all of us, whether it be socially, at home, at school or in the workplace. Leaders and people managers can have one of the biggest impacts on building connection and a sense of belonging in people they work with. Infact the impact that managers have on their subordinates is equal in measure to the impact romantic partners can have. It’s huge. And it is the reason alone that if you are in a managerial position, it’s a very good idea to self-reflect on the ability you have to build real and authentic connections with people, make them feel valued and thereby improve their overall emotional wellbeing.
We need to have better conversations
When someone comes to us with a problem, we want to be helpful. The issue is, what we are doing to be ‘helpful’ is not really helping them. Mitch Wallis in his book “Real Conversations” refers to us having one tool in our arsenal to be helpful; transactional conversational skills. “In this give or take mode of relating, your definition of helpful has been how effectively you can solve the problem and avoid the pain. You’ve relied on your intellect to be supportive, spending approximately 80% of your time fixing the problem and 20% listening to understand the person.” Our biological instinct drives us to do this, to eliminate the source of suffering or pain of others. We have been conditioned to do this all our lives, being rewarded or incentivised to remove obstacles all our lives. Being practical in the face of adversity and removing obstacles that cause suffering or distress has been hardwired into our definition of what it is to be helpful.
When it comes to emotions, relying on this tool has been and will be your downfall, unless you make an important, fundamental shift. Wallis uses a great analogy to frame this; “Assuming that a single tool is the correct one for every outcome is like expecting that the sledgehammer you use to demolish a brick wall is the same instrument you should use to tweezer a shard of glass out of broken skin. If you continue to bring a sledgehammer to an emotional problem, you’ll continue to break the foundations of the relationship.” When people come to us with problems they are in a vulnerable position. They are often looking for validation, to share their experience or their distress and feel heard and understood. They are looking for connection, not advice.
The key to better conversations is to listen more
When someone has a problem, when they are vulnerable and sharing this with someone else, they are looking for a sense of connection to feel better. Most of us misinterpret connecting with talking, imparting our wisdom and fixing a problem with advice. But it is in the listening that will go the furthest to building connection. When someone is able to talk about their problems and feel the silent empathy from someone else, without judgement, this goes a lot further in building a sense of connection.
In an effort to build connection, and have more meaningful conversations, you are likely to feel uncomfortable. If you are a ‘fixer’ your impulse will be to jump in with advice, with practical help. Try instead, to sit with them in their distress, to allow them to feel understood. By truly listening, you are able to share the load and this is a crucial step in helping them to begin to move forward with a solution. Being a good listener is an art in itself. There are different levels of listening and when people come to us feeling most vulnerable wanting to share their problems, deep listening is what is needed most, a form of listening that requires you to be fully present, read verbal and non-verbal cues, listen with compassion and non-judgement to truly hear what they are saying. When you do talk, it should not be with advice, but to acknowledge what they have said, to show you understand how they are feeling.
Not every conversation needs this approach; it is best reserved for more emotionally charged issues. Less emotionally charged problems that people come to you with, will probably still need more logical advice and a practical solution that will involve more talking on your part.
Can you remember a time you went to someone with an emotionally charged problem? What was their approach? Did you feel heard, understood? We all have the ability to help others feel more connected and understood. You don’t have to be a therapist to be be emotionally supportive to others.
With a little effort and self-reflection, you have the ability to build better relationships and make people feel better. If your leadership team could do with my help, please get in touch today, I’d love to hear from you.