Most of us can probably remember a leader who had an impact on us. Interestingly, when we think back, it is often not the big presentation they gave, the strategy they developed or even the results they achieved that immediately come to mind. We remember a conversation. A reaction. The way they handled something when the pressure was on.
Perhaps you made a mistake and expected to be criticised, but instead they helped you work through what had happened. Maybe they backed you in a difficult meeting, gave you an opportunity before you were completely convinced you were ready for it, or took the time to ask how you were when they could easily have kept walking.
Leadership is full of these moments. They can seem relatively insignificant at the time, particularly when there are targets to meet, customers to look after and a long list of things competing for our attention. Yet these are often the experiences people use to decide what kind of leader we really are.
People notice what happens when things go wrong
It is relatively easy to demonstrate our leadership values when everything is going well. The greater test usually comes when the client is unhappy, the deadline has been missed, someone has made an expensive mistake or the pressure from above is increasing.
In those situations, people watch our response closely. Do we immediately look for someone to blame? Does our patience disappear? Do we become short with people, take over or say things we later wish we hadn’t? Or can we deal with the problem while still treating the people involved with respect?
That doesn’t mean lowering standards or pretending mistakes don’t matter. In fact, good leaders are often very clear about accountability. But there is an important difference between holding someone accountable and making them afraid of getting something wrong.
Brené Brown has a wonderfully simple way of describing this: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Being a supportive leader doesn’t mean avoiding the difficult conversation. Sometimes the most respectful thing we can do is have it. The difference is in whether our intention is to help someone understand, learn and improve, or simply to release our own frustration.
Small reactions create big messages
The difficulty is that leaders don’t always realise how closely their behaviour is being observed.
Imagine someone comes to you with an idea that isn’t particularly well thought through. You are busy, so you dismiss it quickly and move on. For you, it is a thirty-second interaction that is forgotten by lunchtime. For them, the lesson might be that bringing ideas to you is risky.
Or someone admits they have made a mistake. Your first response is, “How did you let this happen?” You may simply be trying to understand the situation, but what they remember is how it felt to tell you. The next time there is a problem, they may spend a little longer trying to fix it themselves before you find out.
The opposite is also true. The leader who says, “OK, let’s work out what happened,” is sending a message too. So is the leader who gives credit publicly, takes responsibility when the team gets something wrong, or stays composed when everyone else is becoming anxious.
These moments accumulate. Eventually, they become culture.
Your behaviour gives other people permission
One of the most powerful aspects of leadership is that our behaviour doesn’t stop with us. People often take their cues about what is acceptable from the people above them.
If the leader routinely interrupts others, interruption becomes more acceptable. If the leader talks about colleagues behind closed doors, others learn that this is how frustration is handled. If senior people regularly send emails late at night and expect immediate replies, no formal wellbeing policy will completely remove the message that availability is valued.
But leaders can also give permission for healthier behaviours. They can admit when they don’t know something. They can change their mind when presented with better information. They can apologise when they get something wrong. They can encourage somebody else to take the credit.
Simon Sinek describes leadership as being less about being in charge and more about “taking care of those in your charge.” I think there is something particularly useful in that distinction. Leadership isn’t simply the authority we have over people. It is also the responsibility we accept for the environment those people work within.
And much of that environment is created through our everyday behaviour.
What do people experience from you?
We can spend a great deal of time thinking about the kind of leader we want to be. We might describe ourselves as approachable, supportive, fair, calm or empowering. But the more useful question is often: is that what other people actually experience?
Would your team describe you the same way when the pressure is on? Are you still approachable when someone needs to tell you something you don’t want to hear? Are you still empowering when somebody chooses a different approach from the one you would have taken? Are you still calm when the problem has consequences for you?
There can sometimes be a gap between our leadership intentions and our leadership impact. Closing that gap requires a willingness to look beyond what we believe about ourselves and pay attention to what our behaviour may be communicating.
One practical way to do that is to think back over the last few weeks and identify a few moments when things didn’t go to plan. How did you respond? What did the people around you see? More importantly, what might they have learned from that response?
Rod Matthews