We are losing the art of conversation in a digital world.
From Face to Face to Screen
There was a time when being in the office meant you had to talk. There were no other options short of handwriting a note or letter. If something went wrong, you walked down the hall and tapped your colleague on the shoulder. If something was urgent you called a quick meeting or picked up the phone.
Easy or difficult conversations all still needed face to face (or land line) discussions. We had no other choice. Now, emails and texts are the default. For many of us, they’re also a convenient shield. Writing things down feels safer, less confronting, and easier to control; especially when it comes to more confrontational conversations. And of course there is certainly merit in writing things out rather than having a face-to-face conversation. You have more time to think about the wording and you have a track record of what has been discussed.
The Cost of Avoidance
But there is a price to pay to the minimisation of face-to-face communication in our lives. The cost is that we’re losing our ability to have gritty conversations. The kind where stakes are high, emotions are present and the outcome really matters.
And not all of us are naturally gifted at these conversations. Many of us weren’t raised in families that modelled them particularly well, and the communities we were part of growing up weren’t great at them either. Avoidance, silence or passive agreement were often easier options. Or we associate gritty conversations with discomfort and disagreement or even aggression. When things got uncomfortable, our instinct isn’t always to lean in. Often our instinct is to step back.
Learning to Do It Better
The book Crucial Conversations is such a good read, especially for those of us who don’t have an amazing natural skillset when it comes to difficult dialogue. It offers practical frameworks for handling conversations when the pressure is on and reiterates the concept of thoughtful presence when you are in conversation, as well as using specific techniques to ensure proper communication; “Mastering crucial conversations takes practice, not talent”.
One of the most useful ideas in the book is the reminder to start with purpose. Before jumping into what needs to be said, get clear on what you actually want for yourself, the other person, and the relationship. When conversations go wrong, it’s often because we’re trying to win, protect ourselves or avoid discomfort, rather than aiming for a shared outcome.
Another key insight is noticing when safety disappears. As soon as people feel attacked, dismissed or judged, they stop listening. The conversation might continue, but real communication and connection is over. Learning to slow things down, acknowledge emotion and restore a sense of safety can completely change how a conversation unfolds.
The book also challenges the stories we tell ourselves. We’re quick to assume intent, usually the worst kind. Reframing those assumptions and approaching conversations with curiosity rather than certainty creates room for understanding instead of defensiveness.
Out of Practice, Not Out of Ability
If there’s one practical thing you can do right now to build your conversation skills, it’s this: practise having small, honest conversations before they become big ones. Don’t wait until frustration has built up or the stakes feel overwhelming. The more we avoid, the harder it becomes.
We haven’t lost the ability to have meaningful conversations, but we are certainly out of practice. Digital communication has made avoidance easier, not connection better. Brushing up on our conversation skills gives us a better communication toolkit to reply upon when we must have hard conversations. And for those of us who didn’t grow up learning how to navigate difficult dialogue, that’s a pretty good place to start.
Rod Matthews