Giving constructive feedback is one of the most important yet most challenging aspects of managing people. Even with the best intentions, feedback can be uncomfortable to deliver and difficult to receive. Nobody particularly enjoys hearing they’ve fallen short, made a mistake or need to change their behaviour. Our natural instinct is often to become defensive, justify our actions or question the criticism, rather than genuinely reflect on what’s being said.
But what if just 19 words could dramatically change the way someone responds to feedback?
Organisational psychologist Adam Grant has highlighted a fascinating body of research demonstrating how a simple change in language can significantly influence people’s willingness to accept and act on constructive criticism. The technique involves opening the conversation with a statement along the lines of:
“I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them.”
It’s a remarkably simple statement, but there’s some powerful psychology behind it. The concept, known as wise feedback, originated in research by psychologists Geoffrey Cohen, Claude Steele and Lee Ross, and was subsequently explored in further studies by David Yeager and colleagues. In one experiment involving school students, researchers found that approximately 80% of students who received critical feedback accompanied by a message of high expectations and confidence in their abilities went on to revise their work, compared with around 40% of students who received the feedback without that message.
What makes this particularly interesting is that the feedback itself didn’t need to change. The difference was in how people interpreted the intention behind it. Those few opening words helped establish a sense of trust, communicating that the person providing the criticism had high standards, genuinely believed in the recipient’s ability and wanted to help them improve.
Think about how powerful that can be in a workplace environment. When someone approaches us with criticism, we can quickly feel as though we’re being judged or attacked. Our attention shifts towards protecting ourselves, and our willingness to listen and learn diminishes. By establishing confidence in someone’s abilities before delivering the feedback, we can help reduce that defensiveness and create a much more constructive conversation.
There’s also something particularly powerful about being told that someone believes in you. Most people want to feel valued, capable and respected, especially by those whose opinions matter to them. When a leader expresses genuine confidence in an individual’s potential, it can strengthen their motivation and willingness to improve. The message effectively communicates that the person is capable of more than the behaviour or performance being discussed, and that the feedback is being offered to help them reach that potential.
This thinking isn’t entirely removed from the old ‘feedback sandwich’ approach, where criticism is placed between two positive comments to soften its impact. Most of us have experienced this technique, and many have probably used it ourselves. The challenge is that it can become predictable and formulaic, with people anticipating the criticism as soon as the opening compliment is delivered. In some cases, the positive comments can even lose their credibility because they appear to serve no other purpose than making the criticism easier to deliver.
The 19-word approach is arguably more effective because it establishes something meaningful at the beginning of the conversation. By expressing both high expectations and confidence in someone’s abilities, we’re creating a foundation of trust and demonstrating that we have a genuine interest in their development. It also helps people separate their sense of self-worth from the particular behaviour or action being challenged, making it easier to consider the feedback without feeling personally diminished.
Of course, the effectiveness of this approach depends on authenticity. If a leader consistently undermines, dismisses or fails to support their people, a carefully constructed opening statement is unlikely to achieve much. People are generally very good at recognising when words don’t align with actions. The confidence being expressed needs to be genuine, supported by a relationship in which individuals feel respected and know their leader wants them to succeed.
It’s also important that constructive feedback remains constructive. Expressing belief in someone doesn’t remove the need to be specific about what needs to improve, explain why it matters and work together on what happens next. The feedback still needs to be honest and actionable. However, establishing positive intent at the outset can make the recipient far more willing to engage in that discussion, take responsibility and consider what they might do differently.
For leaders, there’s a valuable lesson here about the influence we have on the people around us. The way we communicate our expectations can have a significant impact on how people see themselves and what they believe they’re capable of achieving. When individuals feel that their leader recognises their potential and is invested in helping them develop, they’re more likely to remain engaged, motivated and open to learning.
The next time you need to have a difficult conversation or provide feedback that someone may not want to hear, consider how you might establish that sense of confidence and trust before you begin. Those opening words could determine whether the feedback is received as criticism to defend against or an opportunity to learn and grow. People are far more likely to believe in their own potential when they know someone else genuinely believes in it too.
Rod Matthews